


Still

by veryveryverytemporarily



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Biphobia, Fluff, M/M, Reunion Fic, post natal depression, robert vanessa friendship, single dad robert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-01-29 08:03:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12626646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veryveryverytemporarily/pseuds/veryveryverytemporarily
Summary: Robert struggles as a single dad to a new baby. Aaron thinks he's ready to move on. Will Robert's new friendship with Vanessa help bring them back together?





	1. Chapter 1

It was the sound that drew her attention, like a new born lamb, a bleating carried on the frosty air. As a country vet well versed in the lambing season, she knew it wasn’t actually a lamb, so she walked across the grass towards the cricket pavillion in the direction that the sound was coming from. She knew what it was. Even though Johnny was approaching fully fledged toddlerhood, the terrible twos, it wasn’t that long ago that the sound had been her companion, day and night.

New baby. That was the sound. New baby crying.

She could have, maybe even should have, walked on. Johnny bundled up in a snowsuit had fallen asleep, and she needed to get him home and wake him up before tea time, or she’d be in for another catatrophe of a night.

But it was cold. Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. Cold enough to freeze anyone’s balls off, really. And a new baby crying in distress.

So she forged on.

Rounding the corner of the pavilion she found them. New baby packed in blankets in a state of the art pram, with a bobble hat ridden down over his eyes, and Robert Sugden in tears.

 

‘Somebody wants his daddy.’

‘It doesn’t make any difference,’ Robert replied, sitting back, wiping his eyes rapidly with the back of a ghost white hand pulled out from the pocket of his leather jacket. He had it zipped all the way up to his chin and wore a beanie over his blonde hair.

‘May I...?’

She took Robert’s shrug as a yes, and putting the brake on Johnny, leaned over and picked the baby up. After removing a glove with her teeth, she raised his hat carefully out of his eyes. He stopped crying and gazed mole-like in her direction.

‘That’s better, isn’t it?’ She said to him.

‘Do you want him? He’s yours, if you’ll tek him.’

Vanessa looked down at Robert, and took pity.

‘Tell you what, why don’t you come back to mine and I’ll make you a hot cuppa.’

 

Flowers. He’d sent flowers. With a pale blue card that said _Welcome New Baby_ and inside a message, written in Liv’s hand, saying _Sorry for your Loss_ and then she’d signed it from both their names. She’d added a small _X_ floating near the bottom of the page, unattached to the message, like an afterthought.

Perhaps it was Chas, or no, more likely Faith, who’d said it was the right thing to do.

He could see her, sitting at the table in the kitchen at the Mill, maths books open and covered in red inked doodles, hair tied back untidily, and Aaron beside her, biting his nails with his sleeves pushed up, rolling his eyes and walking away when she held out the pen.

Vic had put the card next to the incubator. Every time he opened his eyes he could see _Loss_ The letter L like a steep fall to the flat line that was his current existence.

‘Adoption. Who do I talk to?’ He didn’t know who to ask, and nobody was taking him seriously.

 

‘Tough love. That’s what he needs. He’ll have to snap out it and take responsibility one of these days. The longer we go on mollicoddling him, the longer it’s going to take for him to step up. He needs to fill his father’s boots now.’

‘What’s it got to do with Jack?’ Bernice asked.

‘He was a single parent to Robert, you know, after Pat died. Robert was four when he married Sarah,’ Diane answered, ‘...and if Jack can do it, Robert can too.’

‘Well I don’t know how you can sit here with that noise going on, it tears at my heartstrings to be honest.’

‘He’ll learn.’

Robert turned on his side facing the wall, waiting for Vic to come back from work and make the crying stop. For now, time seemed to stand still.

 

‘They don’t have boarding schools for babies, do they?’

‘How old is he, now?’

‘Three weeks.’ - _Two days and seven and a half hours-_

‘It does get better you know.’ Vanessa crossed her fingers behind her back. ‘Alright, not better, but easier.’

They were on their knees on the living room floor, in front of a plastic bowl serving as a baby bath, the one she’d used to use for Johnny. She reckoned he was colicky and a warm bath might help. Robert said that Vic, Diane, usually bathed him, or had, so since Johnny was asleep, she’d offered to show him how. It was her kindness that got to him, people weren’t usually, kind, and he didn’t blame them.

Vanessa lowered the baby, still wailing and limbs waving, into the water, holding him under the shoulders with his head against her wrist, and there was a sudden silence as the crying stopped.

‘Here, you take him now.’

Robert folded his arms.

‘You’re the expert, though, aren’t you?’

After, she dried him, dressed him in his baby grow, and put him in his pram where he finally slept. Robert picked up the _no tears_ baby shampoo from the carpet and looked at it.

‘Is it magic? Will it work on me?’

She turned and looked closely at his face.

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t come to the funeral, but you must miss her.’

‘No, no, I mean, I miss her for Seb, not having a mother, and I’m sorry, it’s tragic of course, but, we were never together, well except that once.’ He lowered his voice. ‘It’s _him_ I miss.’

‘Aaron?’

Robert nodded.

‘Still. And I don’t know how to make it stop.’

She saw him struggle, the telltale wobble of his chin, his eyes trying to escape her scrutiny.

‘Come here.’

Vanessa pulled him into a hug. Ten seconds they said, ten seconds for the endorphins to kick in. He was stiff, but she held on, counting, and felt him suddenly exhale, and that was when Paddy walked in.

 

‘No, no, no, no NO! You do not go there with, with THAT!’

‘It’s alright, Paddy. It didn’t mean anything.’

‘I just don’t want that, that, excuse for a human being anywhere near you.’

‘Just hang on a minute! For starters, I already said it was nothing, but, whatever the circumstances, you can’t talk to me like that? No one talks to me like that!’

Vanessa’s turned pale as she squared up to Paddy, who was visibly shaking as he stood near the bottom of the stairs in the cottage.

‘Is this you and your thing...?’

‘What thing, Paddy?’

‘You know, your thing about well, younger men..., anyway, I thought you were a lesbian now.’

 

‘What?’

‘Nothing. You look nice, love!’

‘Don’t change the subject, what were you talking about? No, let me guess...’

Aaron looked from his Mum to Paddy and back again, saw the all too familiar furtive expressions on their faces. He’d come with Liv to drop her off so that Paddy could help with some homework, while he, for the first tme, had finally decided to make a night of it and go out on the town in Leeds, alone, which would mean only one thing. He was ready.

But now this. There was only one reason they would look at him like that... _Robert._

‘Paddy caught him with Vanessa.’

 

Liv followed him to say goodbye, tucking her hands in the pockets of her hoodie.

‘You still miss him, don’t you?’

He gave her a hug, pulled up the hood on his coat, and closed the door.

The taxi was waiting outside, engine humming. Aaron looked down the street where he could see a light from the window at Tug Ghyll. Then the door opened and he watched as Vanessa made her way down the stone path, carrying Johnny wrapped in a scarf, in her arms.

The light in the window was still on.

‘You coming, mate, or what?’ The taxi driver asked, peering up at him in the dark.

Aaron took a breath.

‘Err, no, actually, change of plan.’ He handed the driver a twenty pound note. ‘Ta.’

Then looking from left to right, he set off towards the cottage.


	2. Chapter 2

He stood on the doorstep at Tug Ghyll. This was a mistake. The muffled sound of a baby crying reached him from inside, an uninterrupted waa, waa, waa behind the wooden front door.

Robert’s baby.

He must have been mad to even think of showing up here. He turned to go, but the crying continued, waa, waa, no change in pitch, no sign of stopping.

Aaron opened the door and went in.

He was hit by a wall of warmth and wailing, and Robert asleep on the sofa, a real solid physical thing, not the Robert in his head that he carried around with him; a flesh and blood Robert, awkwardly long limbed, the light making shadows on his serious face.

Aaron’s eyes betrayed him, refusing to look away, drinking in every detail, capturing this image to add to the folder of memories labelled _Robert sleeping_.

The cottage shrank around him, except for the pram by the bottom of the stairs, and the noise coming from it, which seemed to get louder still.

‘Rob, Robert! Wake up!’

When Robert didn’t stir, he acted on instinct, reached in the pram, and picked the baby up.

For a few seconds it fell silent, searching with small turns of the head for the face of its rescuer, while Aaron held on gingerly, feeling like an amateur. He didn’t hold babies as a rule; the last time had been Leo years back. And you shouldn’t hold other people’s babies; it was like petting dogs, you waited to be asked, or to be told that they wouldn’t bite, that it was safe.

Other people’s babies... Robert’s baby. Heartbreakingly small and perfect.

Another shrill peeling cry ripped the air and the baby writhed as he held on tighter, looking down with horror, terrified that it was about to slip from his fingers, that he was going to drop it.

Then he looked up.

Robert had opened his eyes and was watching him.

He blushed a deep red, then held the baby out.

‘Here. He was crying and you were out of it. Maybe he’s hungry or summat.’

Robert didn’t move.

‘I’m not lactating.’

‘Wha..?’

‘Never mind.’

Aaron took a step closer. ‘Tek him, then!’

‘What do you expect me to do?’ Robert stood up, but instead of reaching out he put his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

‘You’re his Dad!’

It still sounded like an accusation.

He saw Robert flinch. He needed to get out of there fast. What had he been thinking?

The door opened and Victoria swept in, reaching out and plucking the baby from Aaron, then enfolding him in her arms. She rocked him determindly.

‘I bumped into Vanessa, she told me you were here. Haven’t you fed him yet?’ She chided. ‘Come on, Seb, let’s get you sorted, Auntie Vic’s here now! Yes, she is!’ Then, as an after thought, as she fished on the shelf under the pram pulling out a zip up bag, she added, ‘Hi Aaron.’

Aaron backed towards the door.

Victoria turned to Robert again.

‘Can you at least try to hold him while I make his feed up?’ But as she held the baby forwards and Robert finally reached for it, the baby’s cries escalated alarmingly, and Victoria quickly took him back, rocking him fiercely.

Aaron saw Robert blink, the tightness of his jaw, for a moment their eyes met.

He turned, his hand on the door.

‘Aaron!’ Just his name.

Aaron what, though? _Aaron, wait, Aaron, stay, Aaron, sorry._ It was too late for them now.

And he was out into the night.

 

A car slowed next him and the window wound down, Cain looking up at him, then turning his eyes back to the dark road lit by headlamps.

‘Thought you were going into town, your Mum said?’

‘I was but, got sidetracked, didn’t I? Wish I had now.’

‘Hop in then, I’ll give you a ride. I’m going that way. Moira asked me to pick something up for Isaac.’

Aaron closed his eyes, babies, babies everywhere. He breathed out and then gave a nod, and opening the car door, got in.

‘What’s got into you?’ Cain scrutinized his profile in the car. ‘Not Sugden again?’

‘Can you just drop it? And drive?’

He needed a drink. He needed more than a drink. He needed to get Robert out of system for good. The only trouble was, he didn’t know how.

 

‘Americano, please Bob.’

The cafe was almost empty, except for Vanessa sitting with Pearl and Paddy. He raised his eyes in greeting.

‘Thanks, for yesterday.’

Seb’s bath, letting him sleep, he was grateful, but mostly it was the hug, Diane wasn’t demonstrative in that way, and Vic, well she was all about the baby, so just having someone hold on to him, even someone he barely knew, it had meant a lot.

‘No worries.’ Vanessa smiled back at him. ‘Where is he, then?’

‘Outside.’

‘With who?’

‘No one.’

‘But, you can’t just leave him outside! Someone might tek him!’

‘You’re right. That pram’s quite valuable.’

‘No, I’m serious!’

‘So am I.’

Paddy coughed, interrupting. ‘So as I was saying, we’ve got those two cats booked in for spaying.’

He glanced up at Robert through his spectacles. ‘Pity,’ he added.

Robert shook his head, reading Paddy’s mind, and walked towards the door with his coffee in his hand, but Vanessa stood, catching up him up.

‘Listen, come round to mine about three when I’ve finished work. I’ve got something to give you.’

 

‘All I’m saying is that a baby needs a mother. It stands to reason doesn’t it? Otherwise it would be the men getting pregnant and giving birth.’  Doug was sitting with Laurel at a table in the pub.

‘I think babies just need someone to love them in the end,’ Laurel countered gently. ‘Like the rest of us I suppose. He’s not the only single parent in the village...’

‘But he’s the only bloke,’ Doug objected. ‘And that’s my point. Poor Diane, well all of us...’

Aaron shook out his newspaper loudly. He was sitting at the bar, an open packet of crisps and a pint in front of him.

‘Is that your breakfast, or lunch?’ Chas asked him, breezing in behind the bar. ‘Good night, was it? Liv said she didn’t hear you come in. Meet anybody special?’

‘Like I’d tell you if I did.’

‘Not a certain doctor, then?’

‘I said, leave it!’

Of course he could have called Alex, but it hadn’t been what he’d wanted, conversation, commitment, someone considerate, none of those. He’d wanted something physical, mindless, meaningless. Something fast, up against a wall in a dark backstreet.

Now he couldn’t even remember the bloke’s name. But he remembered his hand down the front of his trousers, then saying no, apologizing; that stomach churning moment when he’d wondered drunkenly if he’d have to fight him off, the adrenaline when he wondered what if he lost, before the bloke backed up and gave it some mouth for him being a prick tease, and then left him there, alone in the dark.

He’d had a cry, maybe from relief, but mostly from anger. It was still Robert, in his head. 

‘Alright!’ Chas went on.’No need to get tetchy. I’m only asking.’

‘Well don’t!’

Pearl walked in with Rhona.

‘So you’re saying he just left it outside?’ Rhona was asking.

‘That’s right dear! In the cold. But anyway, I think Vanessa’s going to sort him out. She invited him round and said she was going to give him something. Isn’t that a euphemism? They quite suit each other really, don’t you think? Both blonde, and he did like an older woman when he was straight, I mean before..., anyway they both ... oh, hello dear.’

Aaron picked up his pint with a sneer and flounced into the back room.

 

 

‘I’ve already got one,’ Robert said. ‘It won’t work.’

‘Have you tried it?’

‘Well, only once.’

‘Well how about trying it again?’ Vanessa held the Babybjörn carrier out loosely in her hand and bit her lip, looking appealingly up at Robert’s face. He shook his head.

‘It’s a nice idea, but it’s not going to work. He doesn’t want me. I don’t think he even knows I’m his Dad.’

‘Listen, don’t take this the wrong way, but are you sure it’s him?’

Robert closed his eyes.

‘I’ve been there myself, you see,’ Vanessa went on. ‘When Johnny was born, and he was so small, and then all the business with Keiron. I didn’t feel anything, not at first. I just felt, useless. I wanted my life back, anything, and it sounds terrible, but there were times when I almost hated him.’

Robert’s hand was over his face now.

‘It’s alright, you know.’ She reached up and touched his shoulder. Seb was crying again. ‘They said it was post natal depression in the end. And it helped, to talk about it.’

‘Do blokes get that?’

‘Yes, they do. I think you might have it, Robert. But it will pass.’

‘How can you be sure?’

Seb’s cries were getting louder, more insistent. Vanessa glanced towards the pram and frowned, then turned back to Robert.

‘Is his feed ready?’

‘There’s hot water in the flask and the formula’s in the bottle.’

‘Right. You get that ready, then.’

She picked Seb up, and he continued to cry as she jiggled him in her arms.

Robert poured the water into the bottle and gave it a shake.

‘You’re going to feed him for me?’

‘No, you’re going to feed him.’

‘I already told you...’

‘Right! Take your shirt off.’

Robert stared back at her, startled.

‘Wha...? No!’

‘Robert Sugden, stop faffing about, and do as you’re told! Take your shirt off. I’m a vet.’

So he did. Vanessa stood watching, gently swaying with a still shrieking Seb in her arms. Robert pulled the shirt from his jeans and then undid the buttons and pulled it down over his arms and hands and dropped it on the edge of the sofa.

‘This could have been in better circumstances.’

‘Shut it!’

‘Just saying.’

Then Vanessa nodded.

‘Now then little lamb...’ she said to Seb, unfastening his baby grow and pulling it off too. And she placed Seb in Robert’s arms against his chest.

‘Just move him a little, so he can feel your heartbeat.’

Robert shook his head, as Seb writhed and bleated against his skin.

Then all at once he fell silent. He brought his fist to his open lips, and turned his face, rooting at Robert’s skin.

‘Here you go.’ Vanessa handed over the bottle. ‘Gently now.’

Robert held the bottle to Seb’s mouth, and after a little fuss, he found it, and started drinking. His tiny fingers wandered up and played on Robert’s skin. Robert raised a thumb and stroked the back of his hand, looking down at him.

Vanessa watched. She could see some moisture on Robert’s lowered eyelids and she smiled.

He looked up.

‘Is this what you do with sheep then?’

‘Err, no, we skin them, turn the fleece inside out and sew it up, then put the lambs inside, if you must know. There’s nothing nice about nature.’

The door opened, and Leyla walked in.

 

Aaron sat with Liv waiting for Marlon to serve them with meat pie and chips from the Woolie menu. Sometimes it was just easier this way. It seemed another life now, when Robert used to cook for them, and he refused to think about it most of the time, even Liv had stopped complaining.

The pub was crowded, the winter weather drawing early crowds. Conversation ran back and forth between the punters. They caught snatches of it, all meaningless chatter until...

‘Robert, topless,...’ something he didn’t catch, then ‘...so cute, I just melted to be honest and I’m not really into....’ He couldn’t hear the end of her sentence, but it was Leyla, talking to Tracy at the bar.

‘And then,’ she added, ‘he made us an omelette. Yeah! I tell you what, he can hang around ours any day of the week.’

Liv’s eyes were darting all over his face, and he was never so glad to see Marlon, arriving with the food.


	3. Chapter 3

**infoforsingledads.com** , _dating advice for single dads_ \- _how to avoid burn out._ The website swam before his eyes. He was looking for information about benefits he could claim.

Two weeks in an incubator, now three weeks at the B&B. It wasn’t ideal. He needed some independence, but financially, he was strapped.

Doug hovered. He had a habit of starting conversations with the phrase, ‘Now then, looking ahead...’

For a long time, Robert wasn’t capable of looking ahead, looking behind, looking around him at the present even. He preferred to keep his eyes shut.

He had no savings after losing everything at Home Farm, and his income consisted of occasional payouts from his shares in the scrapyard, and a salary paid from the dwindling profits of Home James. He was 31, and he had nothing. If he let himself feel anything, it would be... what? Self-pity? Aaron would be down on that like a ton of bricks.

‘Forty weeks,’ Diane mused. ‘Isn’t that how long you get maternity benefit? I know paternity is different, but, what does Laurel get?’

‘I think she’s on some sort of widow’s allowance. But then, you see, Robert never was married, was he?’

He shut the lid of his laptop with a bang.

‘I am...,’ he closed his eyes for a moment, ‘...I was married actually! Which you’d remember if you hadn’t left your brain in that vegetable patch! If you ever had one at all, that is!’

‘Now then, Robert, be nice! You know that’s not what Doug meant!’

 

Gabby swept in on her way to school, the hood of her anorak flapping, cheeks tinged pink from the chilly winter air outdoors.

‘Oh my God, he’s so small! Can I hold him?’

Robert watched as Doug handed Seb over with a, ‘Careful now, he’s a little devil, don’t wek him up, whatever you do!’

She bent over him, examining his fingernails like tiny transparent shells.

‘He’s perfect! Remember when Dotty was this size? You’re so lucky!’

There was an awkward silence, until Robert spoke.

‘How’s Liv?’

‘Fine.’

He waited, but she started talking to Diane about a shopping trip with Laurel.

He stopped listening, instead turning to look through the diamond leaded window panes at the world outside.

 

When Victoria had a minor accident with the deep fat fryer, Chas asked Aaron to run her into A&E.

‘It’s not serious,’ Vic protested, cradling her blistered hand as her eyes welled up with the pain.

‘Don’t be daft,’ Chas said.

Aaron put down the remains of his sandwich, and steered her to the door.

He kept his eyes on the road, the frost from the morning had turned to mist that settled like a film of oil on the tarmac of the country lanes. He checked his speed, hearing Robert’s voice as he always did, telling him not to drive so fast. He turned on the radio, trying to drown him out, while Vic clung on to a bag of crushed ice.

After about fifteen minutes, he finally gave in and asked the question running around his head.

‘How’s Robert?’

‘How d’ya think?’

She waved the bag of ice in the air.

‘It’s not easy looking after a baby 24/7. You saw what it was like the other day. The baby cries as soon as Robert shows any interest in him, and cries when he doesn’t.’ She turned on him sharply. ‘A bit like you when you were together.’

He squinted up at the lights, chewing his lip as red turned to amber. The world according to the Sugden siblings. He should be used to it by now. The light turned to green, and he put his foot down.

‘He’s got Vanessa.'

‘Oh, her!’

Victoria rolled her eyes.

‘Anyway, good thing he does have a new friend, when his old ones have abandoned him!’

Aaron blinked. It was aimed at him somehow, but wasn’t it unfair? He felt guilt like a reflex. He reached for his ring finger, moving his hand over the steering wheel.

 

‘I can come back later.’

‘No. Come in! It’s just the gas man. Gas safety check. He’ll be gone in a minute, anyway.’

Robert pushed the pram through the door, and pushed down the break, leaving it just next to the stairs.

The gas man was putting the lid back on to the boiler above the kitchen sink. He looked in his mid-thirties, a nice triangular build. Robert glanced at his hips as he stretched up with a screwdriver to fasten down the top.

‘Everything looks fine. It’s in really good condition for its age,’ the gas man said, turning and putting his tools away, then typing some notes on a tablet. ‘I’ll just check your meter, and then I’m done. But, here’s my card, you can call me any time, day or night, if you need me.’

They both watched as he left, then their eyes met.

‘Five out of ten?’ Vanessa asked.

‘Maybe a six.’ Robert winked.

‘Perhaps I should give you this, then?’ She held out the card.

‘Didn’t get a reading on the gaydar, and anyway, you know...’

‘Aaron?’

Robert nodded. He picked up Seb who’d woken and started grizzling. Vanessa slipped the card into a drawer and closed it decisively.

‘Look at us, saddo single parents, pining after people we can’t have.’

‘Who are you pining after then? Don’t tell me - Charity. You do realize you’d be better off with the gas man.’

‘Probably!’ Vanessa laughed. ‘But, whatever, I can’t date blokes anymore, can I? It’s all got so complicated.’

‘Why?’

She wrinkled her nose.

‘Because I can hear what people are going to say, _oh, it was just a phase_ , or, _she’s confused_ , or _we thought you were gay, mek your mind up_!’

‘Ignore them. It doesn’t matter what other people think. And ignore me too! I’ve ruined every dream I ever had of a future with Aaron. Follow yours, yeah?’

Vanessa stretched her arms out.

‘Come ‘ere!’

She rested a head against his shoulder in comfort.

‘Maybe you could talk to him? People do do that, you know, even blokes. Talk!’

‘Yeah, well, not us. And anyway, it’s no good. He can’t get past this. And I don’t blame him. I just have to learn to accept it.’

‘Time’s a great healer,’ she said. ‘Now, how about some baby bonding? Ever tried baby massage? – Your baby is fed and alert, so I’ll show you how.’

 

‘Love is in the air!’

Charity rolled her eyes.

‘Oh, come on, Leyla! There’s no such thing as love, sweetheart! You of all people should know that!'

 

But Leyla was right. He was falling in love. It was a gradual thing; each passing day a new look, a new touch, a softening in the voice, an ushering in of a new tranquility.

Vanessa watched like a proud match maker, nodding to herself with approval.

Robert’s conversation was punctuated by sentences starting with _Look_.

_‘Look, he’s holding his head up; look, he’s doing that thing with his mouth, fingers, toes...’_

‘Look, I think he smiled at me. It’s just wind isn’t it?’

‘No, I don’t think it is, you’re right. It’s a proper smile.’

She watched a burst of joy light up his eyes, and then fade away again. She touched his arm.

‘You’re doing just great,’ she ventured.

‘Am I?’ he asked.

 

Aaron didn’t want to overhear, but he’d been to the restaurant kitchen to see if Vic had recovered from her burns, and he was trapped in the corridor when Charity pulled Vanessa aside on her way to the bathroom.

‘Didn’t take you for the type that would toy with a woman’s heart. Bet I’m a better kisser though, tell the truth!’

‘I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.’

‘Oh, Come on! Everybody’s talking about it!’

‘About me?’

‘Yes, about you! Don’t be so modest.’

‘I’m flummoxed.’

‘You, and Robert! You know; Robert, blonde, about this tall, womanizer, bloke-izer if there is such a word - and if there isn’t there certainly should be - used to be married until he cheated and ended up a single dad.’

‘What, and people are talking about it? Ugh! Like we can’t possibly just be friends? Listen, I’ve got two things to say.’

‘Go on then.’

‘Well first, people are daft if they can’t see how married Robert still is, and second…’

‘Yeah?’

‘Never mind.’

‘No, no, you don’t missy!’

‘I said, never mind.’

She turned to go, but Charity caught her arm and gently spun her round, pressing her mouth against Vanessa’s lips.

‘Was second something to do with that?’ She asked with a grin once they pulled apart.

‘Might have been, probably, something like that.’

 

Aaron ran a hand over his face. He didn’t want to think about Robert at all. A part of him felt angry, another part of him wanted to cry. It had all been simple enough, Robert had a baby, and meanwhile he’d moved on. Then he’d thought, well everyone had thought, something was going on with Vanessa, not that that made any difference. 

He thought about what Vanessa had said, about Robert being married, and felt even more confused, then he remembered Robert was still wearing his ring.

Perhaps that was the answer then. He should ask him to take it off, and that would be the end of it, once and for all.

 

Robert woke up, turned to reach for Aaron, then remembered.

Instead of Aaron, there was an empty cot, and the sound of Seb wailing coming from downstairs. Vic, of course. She’d got into the habit of coming around at the crack of dawn to give him a bottle before she went to work. He closed his eyes, trying to shut the sound out.

It used to be his favorite time of day. Aaron, lying flush against his side, so that all he needed to do was to tilt his body, and his knee would slide between his bed-hot thighs. Good-morning kisses. Aaron, eyes still shut, strumming at the waistband of his pajamas, until he whispered in his ear, ‘Get ‘em off, Mr. Dingle!’

He put on a dressing gown and went downstairs.

‘He’s crying more now you’re here,’ Vic said. ‘Go back to bed.’

‘It’s alright. Pass him over, will you?’

‘Are you sure?’

Robert reached out and took Seb from her arms, and he stilled all at once, looking up at his father’s face, while Robert murmured back at him, telling him off for being a silly lad.

‘Oh My God! Would ya look at you!’ Victoria laughed. ‘You’re an actual Dad!’

‘Took me a while, but, yes, suppose I got there, finally.’

 

Revolving doors. Even portacabins should have revolving doors. They should be everywhere. Not just real ones either, ones in his head, or in his heart.

How many times in his life would he have just kept on pushing, turning entrances into exits?

It was his own fault, Gerry had warned him, calling after him as he bounced up the steps and gripped the handle.

‘You might not wanna go in...’

But there was no revolving door, no 360° escape.

Instead there was Robert.

He was bending over the baby on a changing mat on his old desk, fastening the sides on a nappy. His eyes had those fine creases at the corner, and he was making soft sounds with his lips while the baby watched spellbound, moving his mouth to imitate the shapes.

There was no one else there. Just father and son.

Anger, betrayal, hurt – all the feelings he’s spent so many months struggling with, they should be what he was feeling right now, but instead, for the moment at least, they were swept away.

Robert looked up.

‘Aaron!’

He looked away quickly, casting about for something to say, something humdrum, every day.

‘Changing nappies, now then?’

‘Piece of cake.’

Robert turned back to the baby, picking up a baby grow and laying it flat, then moving the baby into it, fastening the snap buttons one by one.

Aaron watched Robert’s fingers, saw their wedding ring. Here was a chance for him to ask him to take it off, make it sound casual. _Ha, look at that? Still wearing that old thing? You must’ve forgotten about it! Why not dump it! Sure; You don’t need that bit of metal anymore, do ya?_

He opened and closed his mouth.

‘Just give me a minute and we’ll be out of your way. I came to see Nicola about Home James, if you’re wondering why we’re here.’

‘It’s alright, mate. Take your time.’

Robert glanced up sharply. He put the baby in a car seat and fastened the straps, then lifted it by the handle and moved to the door as Aaron stepped aside.

‘I think you’re a great dad, by the way,’ Aaron added.

Robert didn’t speak, just nodded, then opened the door and walked down the steps, carrying his baby, out into the afternoon, across the yard to where his car was parked, shining silver under the winter sun, while Aaron stood and watched them receding into the distance.

 

Robert strapped the car seat into the back of the car with shaking hands. He’d known it was a risk, known he might see him, and now it was done. At least this time they’d been civil, and maybe now after this they could bump into each other, in the café, in the pub, and even if it was still going to be awkward, he would manage. He would survive. Didn’t they say time was a healer? Was that what Vanessa had said?

He got into the driving seat and started the engine.

Then his stomach lurched all over again, as Aaron loomed next to the bonnet, walking towards his car door.

He wound down the window and squinted up at him. 

‘Listen, I wondered, maybe you’d like to go for a drink?’

He kept watching his face.

‘Just a drink.’ Aaron repeated, hands in the pockets of his coat, eyes frowning into the distance. 

‘I mean, if you need some adult time, I mean when I say adult, I obviously don’t mean…’

‘Yeah, course,’ Robert replied quickly.

‘Right. so, a pint... I mean, you’re not lactating so…’

Robert smiled, shaking his head.

‘When?’

‘Whenever works.’  Aaron kicked at the gravel.

‘I’ll get Vic or Nessa to baby sit, then.’

‘How about somewhere out of the village?’ Aaron shrugged.

'Sounds good.'

‘Great. I’ll text you.’

 

They weren’t actually dating. Robert opened the website **infoforsingledads.com.** and read _dating for single dads – how to avoid burn out_. How about how to avoid burning at all? He wasn’t exactly sure if what it was they were doing was dating or not. He tried out the word, cautiously, though, not wanting to break the spell, not wanting to mess up.

The first time, they’d met for a couple of drinks, arriving in separate cars, sitting across the table from each other. They’d talked about normal things, like cars and football, and Liv, and made jokes and shared banter, and their fingers traced the smooth surfaces of the beer glasses on the table in front of them.

They parted with a _see ya around._

Sat in the car again under the starless night sky, Robert had to fight the sickening fear that it was a once off, before he drove back and took Seb in his arms and the fear in his stomach subsided.

Then a few days later, Aaron texted him again.

And so, it began, a regular thing, so that Robert could map his week in befores and afters, the journey there and the journey back.

Then, after a while, instead of two cars they’d gone together in Aaron’s car.

Going home one night, chatting easily now as they walked across the car park, they climbed into the car together, and Aaron dropped his keys under the dash board. They’d both reached down together to pick them up, shoulders knocking, and their fingers brushed.

As they straightened up, Robert could tell Aaron’s face was close. His heart started somersaulting in his chest.

Then it happened that Aaron kissed him, no words, just a kiss, lips soft, tender, exploring. And Robert’s heart quit somersaulting, and instead stood still.


	4. Chapter 4

‘What’s up?’                                                               

                                                                                     ‘What happened? Something happened.’

‘He kissed me.’

                                                                                     ‘I might have, kissed him.’

‘Well that’s good, isn’t it?

 What happened next?’

                                                                                     ‘What? _Why?_ I thought you were moving on?

                                                                                      Don’t tell me, I bet he jumped you, didn’t he?’                                                              

‘Nothing. We just drove home in silence.

I think, he thinks it was a mistake.’

                                                                                     ‘No, course not! He didn’t do anything. We were on our way back anyway.

                                                                                      I think he thought it was a mistake.’

‘Well it must have meant something.’

                                                                                     ‘Well it was a mistake, wasn’t it?’

‘We’re not dating, Ness.

We’re just mates meeting up for a drink.’

                                                                                      ‘Suppose so.’

 

 

He felt like he'd been waiting forever for Aaron to call. He tried to make his voice sound light. Like nothing had happened out of the ordinary the last time they met.

‘Hi! How are you?’ He said.

‘Good, yeah. Listen, about last week, I didn’t mean…’

‘It’s alright. You don’t have to say anything. Just a throwback. It’s forgotten.’

‘Err, right.’

‘Anyway, I was thinking, Thursday, maybe we could try the Fox? It’s reopened with a new landlord apparently, refurbished after that arson scandal a while back, you remember we read about it last year?’

‘Um, about that, Liv’s got exams, and I think I need to stick around at home for a while, give her some support?’

‘Course!’

‘You know what she’s like.’

‘No problem. We’ll take a rain check. And, um, Good luck to Liv, then! I’ll catch you up later.’

‘OK.’

‘Right.’

‘Bye, then.’

‘Bye.’

Robert removed the phone from where it was lodged between his chin and his shoulder, and lowered a slumbering Seb gently into his pram.

From the family room he could hear the sound of the telly, Diane’s voice.

‘Oh great, Mary Berry in five minutes, just time to put the kettle on, fancy a cuppa Doug?’

 

‘I thought I might find you here.’

Vanessa rounded the corner of the cricket pavilion, Johnny in his push chair stretching out at the birds flittering about on the green grass under a watery winter sky.

Robert was slumped, hands in the pockets of his dark blue jeans, black beanie pulled down over his blonde hair against the cold.

‘Am I that predictable?’

He grimaced. Maybe she was right. He’d found his place, washed up with the crushed tinnies and empty crisp packets that littered the ground under his feet, souvenirs of teenage revelry. Proof that at least some people were still having a good time.

‘So, are Johnny and I babysitting this little chap tonight?’

She peered into the pram, smoothing the layers of wool blankets over a sleeping Seb.

‘No need.’ Robert took in a deep breath and let it out again with a roll of his shoulders. ‘He sacked me off. No more nights out for me.’

She sat down next to him with a frown.

‘You think it was the kiss?’

‘Obviously.’

‘But why?’

‘Probably a rubbish kiss. I’m out of practice.’

‘Come on!’

‘Alright, it’s because he regretted it, Ness, simple as that. Because what we were doing, the nights out, it wasn’t real. You know, we never once talked about him, about Seb. He can’t get past it, he never will. Somehow, I have to learn to let go.’

‘Or, he has to learn to let Seb in?’

‘I know Aaron, and believe me, that’s never going to happen. And why should he? I don't blame him. This is all down to me.’

 

It was Arthur who got it first, and then the twins, which was probably how Johnny got it when Vanessa took him to the café when they were first off school.

Then Robert got a raging fever, so bad that Diane called out Doctor Cavanagh.

Robert stared up at him with glittering eyes and swollen scarlet lips while the good doctor held a thermometer in his ear, then looked at the reading, and shook his head.

He listened to his lungs and heart with a stethoscope, then had a feel of the glands in his throat, while Robert yelped and complained about cold hands through chattering teeth.

‘Well, I’m sorry Robert, but I’m pretty certain you’ve caught the chicken pox that’s going around. Do you know if you had it as a child?’

‘I don’t think so,’ he answered, lying back dizzily against the pillows on his bed.

Then the doctor looked at the cot in the room. From downstairs, they could hear Seb wailing.

‘How old is Sebastian now?’

‘Three months.’

‘Well, I know this is a tough call, but I’m afraid you need to keep away from him until you’re no longer contagious.’

 

‘The fact is, much as you might want to look after your step son, we can’t keep him in the B&B, we’d have to quarantine the place, and we’ve got paying guests.’ Doug stated.

‘Then, he’ll have to come and stay with me and Adam.’

‘Yes, but then who’s going to take care of Seb? I’m sorry, pet, and you know I love the bones off the little rascal, but me and Doug can’t take him on full time, not at our age, and with a business to run.’

Aaron looked up from his pint. He’d watched them all come in, and wondered where Robert was, especially as Vic was holding his baby.

Now he couldn’t help himself from asking.

‘What’s wrong with Rob?’

‘He’s got chicken pox, love. He’s feeling rather poorly.’

‘So, who’s looking after him, if you lot are all here?’

‘Bernice is with him right now, but we’ve got bigger problems, because he can’t be with Seb, you see, not until he’s better.’

Vanessa, who’d come for half an hour’s respite while Leyla watched Johnny, opened her mouth to speak. After all, Johnny already had it, so Robert could stay with her and it really wouldn’t make a lot of difference looking after two invalids rather than just the one.

But before the words escaped her lips, Aaron stood up.

‘He can come and stay at the Mill.’

‘Oh, I don’t think that would be a good idea!’ Chas cut in from behind the bar.

There was a sudden hush as everyone looked at her.

‘…Is just my opinion, if anyone wants it,’ she added.

‘He can’t walk to the Mill, he’s not well enough,’ Victoria said to Aaron.

‘Then I’ll fetch him in my car.’

Vanessa smiled to herself watching him leave, and paid for her drink.

‘What are you grinning about?’ Charity asked, her eyes narrowed in suspicion.

‘Nothing. Just glad I kept my big mouth shut for once.’

‘I like that mouth.’

‘I know you do,’ she winked.

 

Twenty-four hours, he was pretty out of it. Aaron kept putting his head round the bedroom door, making sure he had water and orangeade to drink, giving him some aspirin before turning in himself.

Robert’s eyes were almost closed, his hair damp with sweat.

‘Why won’t you come to bed, Aaron? Isn’t it late?’ He mumbled.

Aaron opened his mouth and closed it again, then turned the light off. He descended the spiral stairs with a heavy heart, and lay down on the sofa, pulling a duvet over himself. For a long while he lay staring into the darkness, before finally falling into a shallow sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So only a few months late but I went back and decided to publish after all - at least to finish something lmao  
> I did struggle with this so it is what it is xx

He couldn’t feel his body. Just his nose squished flat on Aaron’s shoulder.

And motion sickness as the bedroom lurched around him like some rough terrain night-time car chase.

Aaron tugging his wet pajama top up and over his head.

At which point he might have asked _Am I dying?_

In fact, he probably did, because Liv’s voice rang in his head saying ‘ _Why’s he being such a wuss?’ -_ Aaron’s answer reverberating through him _, ‘Look! If you’re not going to be helpful, go back to bed!’_

Then he was facing the ceiling, alone, with the light still on drilling his eyeballs, listening to the _plink plink_ of heavy rain, only it wasn’t rain - it was Aaron running back up the stairs, and there was an ice cold steaming cloth pressed against his forehead.

Water seeped down into his hairline and into his ear where it itched uncomfortably.

When he tried to open his eyes to protest, all he could see was Aaron’s mouth, his red lips pressed together sternly.

He croaked a feeble ‘ _Sorry_ ,’ because he felt like he owed it.

Then the lights went out.

 

He woke up confused, on his side of the bed.

His ear was still itching, and now his tummy too, fuck it, even his _balls_ were itching!

He pushed the burgundy duvet aside, raised his t-shirt, -  which wasn’t his but Aaron’s - and gawped at the rash of fluid filled red spots.

He scanned the bedside table, his eyes taking in a glass of water, tissues, fizzy orange gone flat, looking for paracetamol or antihistamine, anything that might help.

With a frown he opened his bedside drawer - there were still some his books, a tube of Just Glide.   _Aaron behind him, leaning over, squeezing out enough to coat a couple of fingers, dropping it back in the drawer without replacing the lid, teasingly poised, yacking on about some mistake with a delivery at the scrapyard until he’d rocked backwards against him - ‘Hey? Romantic as that is... are you going to get on with it, or what?’  The intake of breath, holding on to Aaron’s arm wrapped around his chest while the radio played quietly._

He looked up to see Aaron standing at the open door, closed the drawer hastily trying to look innocent.

It wasn’t his drawer anyway, not anymore.

 

There was something about Aaron’s expression.

‘Oh God! I’ve got them on my face, haven’t I?’

‘Umm, no, maybe, yes, a few.’

‘Seriously?’  He looked again at Aaron, saw the glint in his eyes.

‘Is there a mirror?’ He winced, half smiling.

‘I don’t think they’ll scar or anything.’

‘Great! Thanks for that!’

He shuffled upwards too quickly, felt dizzy all at once.

‘Steady!’

‘You had a hard night cos of me, didn’t you? I think I kept you up?’

‘Yeah, well, some things don’t change.’

Aaron blushed, moved backwards again towards the door. He wanted to reach out a hand, keep him close by.

‘I’ll make you some toast, if you think you can manage some, unless it’s too soon?’

‘Aaron!’

He was already half out of the door _._

‘Thanks.’

 

Vanessa brought flowers.

Aaron wondered who it could be, because as a rule people didn’t knock, and there she was, in a brightly colored beanie, carrying a bottle of lime cordial in one hand, cradling white lilies with pink hearts, delicate as paper.

‘I hope I’m not disturbing you? I know it’s early. I Just popped over to see the invalid before work, if that’s alright?’

‘Course! I’ll put those in water. Go on up.’

He reached for the vase in the top cupboard, Italian glass, classy, just like everything Robert had got for the place before Aaron got out of prison. He knew about things like that, how to make a home, the material stuff. Homemaker, homewrecker, too.

He turned on the tap, looking for the ball of hurt. Sure enough, it was still there, but when he found it, the water had already overflowed, running in silver rings around the sink.

 

He was stood at the window, looking outside.

Aaron slipped into the room and moved up to his shoulder and Robert turned and raised a finger to his lips.

‘Look, there’s a fox, down there, can you see it? That’s why the birds are making such a racket. See the white tip on his tail? My dad would’ve had his gun out.’

‘Did you do that, then? As a kid? Go out shooting with him?’

‘God no, I was a sensitive child, believe it or not I wasn’t born like this,’ he grinned.

Aaron shook his head.

‘He used to set mole traps in the fields, and I would go around springing them. Used to drive him nuts. He didn’t know it was me of course.’

‘Err, he probably did.’

‘You think? Yeah, I suppose you’re right. I wasn’t so good at hiding stuff from him, was I?’

They stood, side by side, looking out.

 

Robert shivered, rubbed his arms.

‘You need to get back to bed.’

‘It’s just the itching, there’s bits I can’t reach.’

‘Come on, then. I’ll do your back.’

He sat on the side of the bed, unscrewed the top of the bottle of calamine lotion, tipping it sideways to soak a wad of cotton wool.

Robert turned, rolling up his t-shirt with his fingers holding it scrunched up under his bowed neck.

Aaron took in the sweep of his shoulders, his back now blistered with angry chicken pox. He’d had a bath with bicarbonate of soda, leaving chalky tide marks on his golden skin.

Lower down, the waistband of Robert’s pajamas had nipped a couple of small groves into his flesh, cotton stretched where he sat against the sheet.

Robert craned his neck back.

‘Does it look bad?’

‘No, um, no, there’s only a few,’ Aaron lied.

He dabbed the cotton wool, painting stains of bubble gum pink on Robert’s skin.

Maybe he was breathing too hard, or not breathing at all, because Robert turned again, a slight frown furrowing his brow. Aaron looked at his lips, chapped after the fever.

He leaned forwards into a kiss.

‘No.’

He said it so quietly, for a moment he wondered if he’d heard him right. But his hand was a gentle restraint.

‘Sorry,’ Robert whispered. ‘I can’t. Not because I don’t want to.’

Aaron dropped the cotton wool into the waste bin. He couldn’t meet his eyes.

‘But Seb,’ Robert added softly. ‘… he’s not going to magically disappear.’

‘Course,’ he murmured, and then he left.

Robert sat still on the bed, the ghost of Aaron’s fingers on his skin.

 

‘Have you heard? Paddy’s organizing this glitzy party at the Woolie, and Charity asked me to help out.’

‘Paddy and glitzy? I don’t think so, mate,’ Robert mocked.

He was folding his towel, packing a sports bag, ready to leave, Gerry playing video games while Aaron hovered next to them.

‘I think that’s what they want me there for, to add a touch of glamour. Any road, just wanted to share the good news.’

‘That you’ve been roped into waitering at the Woolpack? Nice one.’

Aaron walked him to the door. Robert knew he was distracted, Liv hadn’t had chicken pox after all and now she was ill, too, so she was missing her exams.

‘Well it explains why she wanted to spend so much time with me…’

‘Yeah, cos it couldn’t be that we, she…’ Aaron corrected himself, ‘…actually missed ya?’

Robert laughed, drew himself up.

‘Anyway, ever thought about a change of profession, full time nurse? Always thought you’d look good with a stethoscope. Might need to work on your bedside manner.’

‘Get out will ya!’

‘I would stay, help take care of Liv… I hope you don’t think I’m ungrateful?’

‘You’ve got… your son to get back to. He needs you now.’

There was an awkward moment, a handshake too formal, a cheek kiss - too much, a bro hug and pat on the back, maybe, but was it too soon?

In the end they both did the same thing; just a raised hand, touching each other’s elbows lightly, then letting go.

 

 

‘So, it’s a vets and farmers get together.’

‘Sounds like my worst nightmare.’

‘Oi! Charming! Why don’t you come? Be my plus-one?’

‘You want _me_ there? Charity’s your plus-one.’

‘Charity’s there anyway. I could do with an accomplice. Go on, please!’

‘I’ve got no one to babysit. Vic’s catering and Diane’s away. What about Johnny, wouldn’t I be more use looking after both of them for once?’

‘I’ve asked Tracy. Come on, Robert, you can bring Seb along. He can be your accessory. You never know, you might meet someone with a thing for single dads.’

‘You know I’m not interested in meeting someone.’

‘I know, but, who can say what’s around the corner? It’ll do you good to get out anyway.’

‘To the Woolpack?’

 

The place was crowded with local farmers, awash with fleece jackets, crew necks and country check shirts. Robert was at the bar, drinking an orange juice.

He was wearing a pale blue patterned shirt with the top button undone and a body warmer. Aaron shook his head with a wry smile, but his eyes kept drifting over.

He’d only popped in for a cheeky pint, and now, for no _real_ reason, he was reluctant to leave.

Paddy was nattering on about the antiseptic properties of sheep dip to a rapt audience of farmers. Aaron looked up when Vanessa pulled a young good-looking bloke aside near where he was sitting.

‘You like what you see?’

‘What’s not to like?’

‘Out of 10?’

‘10, definitely my type. He is gay?’

‘Um, not gay, bi, he’s bisexual. It’s not a problem, is it?’

‘I don’t know. I don’t usually date bi blokes. Perhaps 5 out of 10, then.’

Aaron spat out his beer.

Paddy thumped him on the back, still talking about sheep.

‘Oh, for God’s sake! Go on with ya and get yourself over there! And his dad was a farmer, too. So, you’ve got that in common. Go, and talk to him!’

 

Aaron didn’t like him.

Robert wouldn’t like him, he decided. He watched as the bloke approached, saw Robert draw in his chin, and nodded to himself. He knew it.

But then the bloke was gesturing over to Vanessa, and he watched Robert raise his eyebrows in surprise, and then they shook hands. The bloke said something that made Robert smile, his eyes creasing at the corners.

 

He should leave. He knew he should leave, but his limbs had gone on strike, refusing to carry him out of there.

It was the - what was it? - _stress response_ , he recalled. Liv had been going over biology notes for her exams, sitting cross legged on the bed, trying to get infected no doubt, Robert sitting up against the pillows, while Aaron put clean laundry away in the drawers.

‘ _Fight, flight, freeze,’_ she’d read out.

‘Well that’s gonna be easy enough to remember...’ Robert had smirked, ‘...it’s the three of us, isn’t it? Him, me, you...’

She’d threatened him with her notebook and he’d raised his arms in self-defense, they’d all laughed. And for a moment they’d all forgotten Robert being there was temporary.

 

He saw Victoria appear from the back room with Robert’s baby tear-stained in her arms.  She handed him over to Robert who held him against his shoulder, patting his back, swaying and talking to his son with an amused roll of the eyes.

Aaron could see what Robert couldn’t see as he still looked at his baby, the startled look on the young farmer’s face. He watched him back away in horror.

_Jerk, what a jerk!_

It took less than a couple of seconds to cross the bar.

‘Who the hell d’ya think you are? Just get lost, mate!’

He was angry enough to draw attention. Fortunately, Chas was on hand.

‘I think you’d better leave,’ she suggested to the young farmer.

Arms folded, Aaron watched him go, then turned back to Robert, who was looking at him lips pressed in a tight line, holding onto Seb, shaking his head.

‘Sorry…you didn't like him?’

‘I don’t give a damn about him. But, what the hell got into you?’

‘Alright, listen. I’m sorry I wrecked it for you this evening. Let me make it up to ya. Come around to ours, but for a meal this time, tomorrow. And Seb, well, he’s invited too.’

 

‘Sorry about that awful bloke.’ 

‘It’s alright. In a strange way I think you might have done me a favor. Aaron’s asked me and Seb round for a meal.’

‘Is it a date?’

‘No, I doubt it. I think it’s just, mates, you know? Getting back to the status quo. It’s just been so up and down between us.’

‘Oh my God! It’s a date!’

 

Seb’s eyes were murky blue, covered in a film of shining tears, his cheek had a single red blotch and he was miserable. Every few moments he would still to take a breath and look around, and then he’d be off again, breaking into sobs, getting more and more fractious.

He’d kept Robert up the whole night and now he felt drunk and desperate with lack of sleep.

‘Sounds like he’s teething,’ Dr Cavanagh had said.

He prescribed some syrup, told him he’d probably just have to ride it out.

 

Flowers, he brought flowers, with a note saying _Thanks for inviting us_. He'd signed it _Rob_ with a single x.

‘You can put them in that Italian Vase I got,’ he said over his shoulder.

He’d breezed in in a blue shirt and black leather jacket, parked Seb’s pram next to the radiator by the stairs.

Aaron put the flowers on the table so that the scent mingled with the aroma of the pasta sauce making the air heady.

‘He’s sleeping?’

‘Finally!’

‘Tell me about him.’

‘There’s nothing to tell, he’s a baby, just like every other baby. He cries, he’s hungry all the time, keeps unsociable hours. Oh, and for some unfathomable reason, he really likes Doug…’

‘He sounds just like someone I know.’

‘What?’

‘Well, I always knew you had a thing about Doug.’

Aaron turned on a playlist. They served up together and sat, shuffling chairs, comfortably close. Aaron explained that Liv had gone to Gabby’s and yes, she was recovered and a date had been set for her re-sits much to her disgust.

‘This is excellent.’

‘Not sure I got the egg to flour ratio right.’

‘No, it’s really good. I’m impressed.’

Their eyes met, a soft smile. Robert put down his fork.

There was a moment, he wanted to ask if this was a date, decided all at once that he would.

‘Is this a…,’

Seb’s piercing wail ripped the air suddenly. Robert looked over at the pram, pushed back his chair and stood up.

‘Sorry, he’s a bit out of sorts. Kept me up all night. That’s why, well, maybe we shouldn’t have come.’

Aaron looked up at him.

‘It’s fine, honestly, it’s fine.’

When it was clear Seb wasn’t going to settle, Robert asked if he could put the kettle on and make up a feed.

‘Maybe we should just leave.’

‘Don’t be daft. Take him up to the bedroom.’

‘Would you mind?’

‘Course not!’

 

Aaron waited, looking at the half-eaten food on their plates.

It was the chaos that got to him, the chaos in his head. Some things just don’t change, and it had been like this with Robert from the very start. Like living on a weather front, waiting for the high and low pressure to meet, the next storm to break.

But, he didn’t want to wait any more. He wanted to be the one controlling the weather. This time round, he wanted it to be different.

He picked up the plates and put them in the sink.

 

When he looked in through the bedroom door, Robert was asleep on his side on the bed, shirt undone - a real solid physical thing, not the Robert in his head that he carried around with him; a flesh and blood Robert.

He looked at him, capturing the image to add to the folder of memories labelled  _Robert sleeping_.

There was an empty baby bottle on the bedside table, and in the middle of the bed, next to Robert was Robert’s baby, awake, stretching his limbs in a little gym work-out.

This was where he’d been conceived. Right here, on this bed.

He looked for the ball of hurt he’d been carrying round for so long and then stopped. He chose _not_ to find it. In the end, some things were more important.

He moved round, shifted onto the bed, reached over, and picked the baby up.

He felt like an amateur. You shouldn’t hold other people’s babies; you waited to be asked, but this wasn’t other people’s babies; this was Robert’s baby. And he was perfect.

Seb looked up at his face.

‘So, your dad, right? He’s like a prize idiot a lot of the time, well, most of the time, really. But he’s also, well, I don’t have to tell you, do I?’

‘Cos he’s amazing.’

‘I know you love him, and, well, I love him too. So, here’s the thing, what do you say that you and I look after him together?’

‘I mean, I’m not perfect either, not by a long shot. But it would be sweet, yeah? You, me, Liv, your Dad?’

 

When he looked down, Robert’s eyes were open, looking up at him, shining in the lamp light.

‘He’s fallen asleep,’ he murmured, his voice thick.

‘I’ll put him in the pram, yeah?’

When he came back, Robert had shifted up against the bedhead. He left the door ajar, hesitated and then moved to sit next to him.

‘Listen, Aaron, when I was here and, well, the kiss, what happened - it was because I wanted to protect you. I wasn’t trying to force Seb onto you or anything. I’d hate you to think…I mean, I’d never do that…’

Aaron nodded.

‘I know. But did you ever think that maybe I don’t _need_ protecting? The stress response – remember Liv’s homework? Well you were wrong. The _fight, flight, freeze_ thingy. You said it was us. But we’re not stuck, are we? Liv’s figuring out how to share rather than bottling stuff up, and you - you didn’t run away, did you? You stepped up for your son, even though it was hard, you love him and you’re looking out for him, you’re a great dad.’

Robert shook his head.

‘Alright. So that’s me and Liv, and you?’

‘Me?'

 

‘I just want to kiss you… So, will ya let me? This time?’

 

‘So, are there things single dads don’t do?’ Aaron’s voice was gruff.

‘I think you know this single dad better than that.’

Aaron reached his fingers casually onto Robert's bare waist. He watched, turning his hand and ran his knuckles upwards over his smooth skin, then rested against the curve of his pecs.

He could tell how fast Robert’s heart was beating from the rise and fall of his chest under his hand, and his own heart was racing just as crazily.

‘And you’re still up for it? I mean, you must be exhausted? Sleepless nights and that?’

Taking Aaron’s hand, Robert steered it gently down lower between them.

‘I think that’s pretty hard evidence.’ 

He tugged Aaron down until they were both lying flat on the bed, moving half over him so that Aaron could feel his weight. He kissed him again, this time deepening the kiss, while his hand started working Aaron’s black sweater up over his abs from his waist.

Aaron’s hand caught his, stopping him for a moment.

‘I still love you, you know.’ 

‘I love you, too - so much.’

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
